Sunday, September 20

A Yearning, Unspoken

I have never had a boyfriend. 21 years and counting on this earth and I had never had a partner. I have had male friends, quite a few of them, and am quite close to some to the extent that I do not mind going out one-to-one and I have had people interested but I had never really taken the plunge. I have always told people, I am happy being single; I have friends who accompany me; what are boyfriends if not guys who you turn to when you are lonely and in need of help or comfort - aren't friends sufficient then?

But recently, I think differently.

I never admitted that I want someone there, someone to hug me when I am cold, a shoulder to lean on and someone I won't feel to call in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Friends are good and all but i guess having one person who knows almost all your secrets and who will not mind you being needy and whine-y is even better. Even with my closest friends I will feel bad if I whine and complain and drag them down with me when I am feeling moody.

I always put up a front in public, I am the slightly naive but confident girl who speaks too loud and is always sure of herself. I am the atrocious but funny friend to all my acquaintances. Even to my closer friends, I complain but will have no problem snapping out of it. What people don't see is that I feel lonely easily, I don't have to wait till the middle of the night to cry and sob. All I need is solitude and a thought of my family and friends who are not with me and that is sufficient to start the tears.

I know relationships aren't easy, that they require a lot of work, which is why I am so hesitant to get involved in one but I am starting to wonder whether it will be worth it. Whether at the end of the day I am not as strong as I think I am. Whether at the end of the day, I am just as needy and weak as everyone else and need someone to prop me up when things get rough. I hate feeling like this, I hate not being who I want to be. I hate thinking all this but no one to tell. No one really understands, not even me, what I feel and what I want.

Maybe all I need is just to be more honest with myself. But I wonder, will things be better then?

Sunday, August 30

Something to remember

I was recently hurt by a friend, or at least someone I thought was a friend. It wasn't anything 'bad', she did not backstab me, lie to me or anything but she made me very disappointed. I think this incident caused a huge irreparable damage on our friendship, on my part at least, I doubt I can speak for her.

This is not the first time I am disappointed by what a friend did. I am starting to wonder whether its because of my expectations of what friends are supposed to be like. I take it personally when people say negative things of people I consider to be friends. I take it personally when they do things I disapprove of, I feel like its my fault one way or the other when they do something 'wrong' whether its being a bitch or going back on their word. I feel like I saw them in a different light then before, a clearer, brighter light and that maybe, they are not who I think they are. And that is painful to me.

I am starting to think that I have to change my views of what friends should be/do and lower my expectations from them. With my growing circle of friends and my wider view of the world, it seems clear to me that people only look out for themselves and a select few, and that it is unlikely that Im within the select few of most of my friends. My view of friendships should be like stems from my expectation of myself in a friendship. You root for each other and trust each other. You dont have to tell each other everything but when you need a shoulder to lean on, friends are who you go to. and I do try to do all this. This is also why i have few 'friends' but a lot of 'people I know', i categorise my acquaintances accordingly. It seems like this is not how it is for other people. Friends are just people you know and hang out with. They are no different from your colleagues at work or people you meet at the pub but seems to get along well with from the start.

Since leaving home for my tertiary education, I not only see more of the world, also see how idealistic I have been. I have been confined to my little pink-tinted glass cage. You see what is happening but there always seem to be a silver lining, there's always a positive side.

I know this is part of growing up but it makes me wonder whether I want to go through this process, cant I see things through my pink glass forever? I know Ill be happier that way...

Wednesday, August 5

Cedele - Pink Beet Cake

After reading a couple of posts of Cedele cakes at another food blog, I've decided to try a them for myself. I have to say, I've never been a fan of Cedele cakes, they just seem too healthy for me. Cakes for me are an indulgence, they are for celebrating, for making the eater feel happy, how do they do that if they are made into healthier, skinnier versions?

I had their famous Carrot Cake before and wasn't impressed so I settled for their new Pink Beet Cake. Essentially the cakes is supposed to have Beetroot in it which causes it to be pinkish. This might be true but I doubt the beet content is high since the cake is extremely palatable. I probably should also note that the information card mentions that the cake contains Grapeseed Oil.

The cake itself looks a bit like a carrot cake but with beetroot shavings instead of carrot. Tastewise, its slightly sweet abit savory, overall very easy on the tastebuds, I've never had Beetroot just like that before (ie, not in mixed juice or soup form) so I cant say there isn't any Beetroot tast but I have heard that pure Beetroot juice is hard to stomache so I think there's very little of the stuff in the cake.

The most surprising thing about the cake is how soft and moist it is! This is probably the work of the Grapeseed Oil. One can finish the cake without feeling overwhelmed but then again, it is a small cake to begin with, lol.. Despite the healthy conotations, the cake is still a bit rich, with cream cheese layered so I do wonder exactly how healthy it is and whether Cedele is really worth all the hype.. Moreover, as I got the cake in takeaway form, I discovered that the cake is quite 'oily' the wax paper the waitress placed under the cake was pretty oily when I got back, about an hour later.

Nevertheless, I think the case is definitely worth a try but for the price, $5, for such a small cake, I doubt Ill be getting it again anytime soon. I still like my cake to be rich and heavy, something to savour, something to be had once in a while, an indulgence, a mini love affair..


So I've been interning at Raffles Place area for the past week but I've never really gotten around trying their bakes. I had their morning mee once, OMG, that was BAD! But since its edible, I still had them for lunch. But seriously, no second time...

Yesterday, I dropped by the bakery in the evening to get some bread for breakfast. They did not have many varieties left at around 6pm so I got myself something that seems like it could be brown glutinous rice bread or chocolate sprinkles bread. It turned out to be the latter. I'm fine with chocolate, so no complaints there but the thing that got me was how soft the bread was! Honestly. I had dinner but couldn't stop myself from having the bread as snack and I was very content with it. I am very much a bread person when it comes to carbs so you just have to take my word for it. I have to say that the loaf was not chocolatey per se but it had a slight milo taste to it, making it slightly sweet but the chocolate is not at all obvious. Its good for those who do not like plain bread but will not satisfy chocolate lovers looking for loafs with high cocoa content.

Like I said, the bread is pretty good, soft, porous, light, I'm just sad it took me more than a week to discover this. My internship's ending this week, I can probably get another loaf before I leave but I'll definitely be back.

Saturday, July 25

Another first

I think Im drunk!

(Warning, below may just be random rambling)

Why is that such a revelation? I've never drunk so much as to get drunk. I drink hard liquor at home, whiskey, but I never drink more than just a sip or two... or a cocktail, at a restaurant.. I doubt anyone can get drunk on that..

Today, I drank red wine, yes, just wine, and I think I'm finally feeling the 'woozy' feeling. Im one of those who drank the most, despite the fact that I was drinking with another 3 guys. The wine was not exactly great. It wasn't exactly fruity or sweet, but was pretty dry but I did not have any thing else to drink and so I just drank. My head was still pretty clear, i think, but I am a bit woozy.. I feel 'funny' and my whole body, till the tip of my feet, feels warm... Despite my deep breaths, I do not feel any calmer.... I think this is the start of 'drunkenness' lolz! I also cant really walk straight! lolz! What an interesting feeling!

Tuesday, July 7

Brewerkz Dinner

Last Friday, I went to Brewerkz for dinner with 2 friends. We were contemplating between Brewerkz and Timbre but in the end decided on Brewerkz as we wanted to try their 'brews'.

We got their Fruit Beer (I forgot exactly what they are called) and Golden Ale. Truth be told, I can barely tell the difference except for their colours. The taste is pretty similar. I am not much of a beer drinker and to me, both brews do not taste much more different than the normal canned beers. Maybe Im just asking too much as I was looking forward to some sweet, light beer.

As for food, we ordered the smaller pizza to share between us. We are not on diet or anything but we knew the portions were pretty generous and we ordered sides (Fries and Salad).

We got one of the white pizzas, the Merlion, which is essentially a seafood pizza. I thought it was pretty good. The crust wasn't soo crispy that the whole slice will fall apart when u bite but there was a crispy layer and the dough was pretty chewy (I like such textures as I love the taste of carbs ><).

The Fries were alright,thick outer layer but soft inside. However, I find the outer layer too thick which made it more crusty then crispy and it did cost us around S$8/9 so it definitely didn't come cheap.

As for the salad, we ordered the Garbage Salad which did look like garbage, its just lettuce with some salami, mozarella and vinagrette of some sort. It wasn't great and definitely wasn't worth the $10.99 we were charged for it but it was one of the cheaper salads on the menu.

We were too lazy to move so we settled for desserts at Brewerkz, BAD DECISION. Not only were the portions mini, prices steep, they also weren't any good. I was hoping to see portions like those they serve at PS Cafe but alas, that was not the case. Seriously, do not try the desserts there. You can get better brownies at Munchie Monkey, NUS YIH Center, IMO.

After the dinner we went over to Liang Court, my first visit to the mall and subsequently walked to City Hall MRT. The idea was to burn calories but I doubt that leisure walking helps much when it comes to losing weight ;)

Tuesday, June 16

2nd Update from Home, KK, Sabah

This is my second last week at home. I have to admit, there are some good and bad times but generally, I know I’ll only remember the good ones coz they totally outweigh the bad.

To keep this blog light and to not burden anyone reading this (including the future me), Ill just talk about my happy times here :)

For a start, it has been great seeing my parents again. My mom is still like before, a bit crazy, a bit loud but sooo lovable! Her cooking (esp her cake) is still top-notch and she still gives in to my whims and fancies, this I suspect will continue as I spend so little time at home. She’s still a great shopping partner. Reining me in at times but still let me splurge if I really like an item (Ill list, or at least try to, what I got this trip home later). My dad seems to have gotten more and more stubborn, a sign of the Taurus that he is, but he also knows not to be too strict with me. Making me exercise is one of his lifetime goals which unfortunately isn’t going to happen very often. But he is generally sweet, just that he has abit of a hard time expressing his feelings. Lucky for him Im a very understanding girl and I know him well enough to not be offended.

Then there is my brother, who deserves a special paragraph for himself. I sometimes have trouble deciding what to make of him. He is naughty and rebellious but at the same time extremely sweet. He gets me sweets and lets me have extra food/the last piece on the plate. He also ‘tried’ to get some hugs which did not materialize, our family does not display our affections much so I still have trouble giving him hugs though I love him very much. These are little things but I do believe that the little things that happen soo often really amount to a lot and have to be cherished. We can really ‘click’ we sing songs aloud (sometimes in public) and understand each other’s humour most of the time. He also is very tolerant of my moods (I think Im too used to staying alone that I cant be tolerant to people for very long). Oh, it is also great to have him around as he is plumper then I am (at least fr the looks of it) and he eats way more than I do which decreases my guilt for being such a glutton.

Oh man, I miss them already!

Thursday, May 21

1st Life in KK update

It has been a week since Ive been back. Life’s good, though a bit constricting. That’s the price to pay if you want to come home when you know that your parents are more strict/protective than others. Example? Im not allowed to hitch a ride from my friends. Yes, I will be 21 this year. Imagine how frustrating that is! I know their heart is at the right place but I do think they should step into my shoes for a moment and consider my feelings. Granted I do not argue about this (maybe a bit) but how does one argue against sound reason? Especially that reason is calculated to ensure your safety and happiness?

Anyways, the good news is I can always play the ‘but I haven’t seen him/her in N years!’ card and thanks to it, I get to stay with my friend and her friends for a night at their hotel. The plan: Dinner at Salut (a place known for its seafood) and then drinks at @tmosphere (tacky, I know). Its just for the night, they will be leaving KK early tomorrow morning for Labuan (Island of cheap booze and chocolates!) but I will not be going. That means I’ll have a day at 1 Borneo. I discovered late last night that 1 Borneo has a MAC store! How cool is that!!! Yes, Im definitely going to stop by though I don’t really have anything I want to get. I never imagined Sabah to have a MAC. If I am lucky enough and the Style Warriors collection is out, I might just get the New Age Bronze (or something like tat) lipstick. I do so like the colour though I have to admit, I honestly doubt it is hard to find a dupe for it. We’ll see. I also want to get a loose powder. Not from MAC, probably Chanel or Dior. I saw some raves but forgot which brand it was from, actually I think it is Chanel.

That’s it for now. More updates on my buys (if any).


Tuesday, April 7


I'm not stressed, at least i donot feel like it, i just feel crazily tired. I am barely awake the whole day. even on the bus, I have trouble ensuring that I keep my eyes open. This is very strange. I was not even reading anything. Actually, i find some of my readings quite interesting.

I am worried. Worried as to whether I am down with something. Whether Im coming down with depression. I am not making this up. I hate feeling what I feel. this is the first time Im NOT feeling tired and sleepy, but I think its the effect of caffeine in my Tea. I wish I know what is happening. Why I can't just be lazy and know it. I hate feeling like this. I want to know what is happening. I want to feel responsible to what happens to myself, good or bad.

Oh, Im feeling some pain in my left shoulder blade. About 2 weeks ago, I had some chest pain when I breath. it lasted for about a day. At some times, it was so bad I had to bend over to take a breath.

I need to focus. Live in the moment. Concentrate on what is important: school, study, Public Law, Equity and Trusts. THEY ARE MY LIFE NOW. Until 5th May. Nothing else matters, including pain, sleep, food.

Now I just need to convince myself of it.

Monday, March 16

The Central @ Clark Quay

My first visit to Central! Decided to skip Equity lecture in favour of getting a haircut after hearing that LCS was cancelled. She's always doing that, last minute stuff! Actually, I had wanted to try Maison Hairmake at FEP but unfortunately, I was unable to get through so decided to head somewhere near after my Pro Bono stint and settled on Central.

And what a choice it was! Turns out Central is full of Jap food outlets! I even saw quite a few Japanese looking for a restaurant to get their lunch. Interesting. I've heard good things about Waraku, Sun and moon, Petit Provence and Ma Maison and they all have outlets there! Unfortunately, I did not feel like eating proper food so I missed out Waraku..

Al right, so what did i have? I had Provence's Choc Wassant. Its good lar~ I know now why people rave about it but $0.60 for such a small piece... It definitely warrant a second thought before each buy.

Also tried Starbucks' Wholemeal Multigrain bagel. I requested for it to be toasted so it was, to a slight brown but oddly enough, it was not hot enough to melt the cold butter! My guess is that the cold weather cooled down the bagel too fast.

After hearing SOOO many raves on Sun and MOon, I die die have to try their cheesecake but the place was so hard to find! Central in general was quite a maze for me... suaku me only like straightforward places XP Anyways, I had the tofu cheesecake. Erm.. I did not think it was all that great. it was abit too sour for me but I wonder if its because the cake was left in the open too long as there was this small part around the middle of the cake where it was milky and slightly sweet. YUMM! But, it was only a very small part of the cake. As i said before, I did not feel like having proper food so no mains but I went during tea time so even if I had wanted, they do not serve mains anyway.

I do so hope to go to Central again. Not much to shop but definitely alot of food to try out!

Monday, March 9

Coffee Bean HV 09 March 09

Went to HV today and had a craving for CB's carrot cake. Popped into the place and ordered their new drink - mango green tea frap and of course, carrot cake.

I think up till now, CB's carrot cake is the best Ive tried. its moist and has enough nuts, not too much but not stingy with it either. and the cream layer, HEAVEN. Its not the spiced type either, just slightly oily (butter?) cake with carrot shreds and nuts (walnuts i think). MMMM... they give you a pretty big slice too, for S$5.50 though I have to say that I have had lunch so that might have affected my appetite.
The bummer is that I came back and checked for calories and I realise it has a whopping 970 cals! thats like, almost 1/2 to one day's total amount of calories. Guess you should share them if you can yea :)

Frankly, the mango is negligible. I seldom drink CB stuff but this is ok but I somehow cant finish it. Too full? Maybe... It feels, not overly sweet or what, but boring, for some reason. Not something I'd go back for.

Anyways, moral of the story, eat only what you want. for me, its carrot cake when I go CB. Forgot to note that I have tried Cedele's carrot cake too but somehow, it didn't work its magic on me at all! CB all the way~~

Thursday, March 5

My own health drink

Today I made my own self-created chinese-style health drink, lolz..
its a combination of barley, chrysanthemum, red dates, longan and rock sugar to taste.

I wont say its good. Its unique, hahahah... the barley made the drink a bit murky while the flower made it yellow. not the most appetizing thing ever. Moreover, I refuse to put more sugar so there's a bit of this odd feeling on your tongue coz of the concentratedness of the drink.

I realise that i actually like barley taht is not too mushy. there's this very nice texture. will do this type of drink again. Actually, no choice, ingredients already bought, gotta use them somehow :P

Tuesday, March 3

Spinelli Pastries

Stopped at Science Canteen for lunch today and got myself a tiramisu and 2 chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Actually, the tiramisu was meant to be dinner but I wasn't able to restrain myself for trying it >,<

Anyways, the tiramisu's not good at all (reminder to self: never be a cheapo and go for cheap tiramisu). The white layers doesn't taste nor feels like its cheese. maybe, just maybe its some sort of cheese + gelatine mixture coz it felt jelly-like. THe cake layers are alright, nothing great not to bad. The best thing about the cake is the chocolate layer on top. You know how they sprinkle chocolate powder on top of cakes, well this one had powder and a very nice layer of chocolate. However, despite the label stating the cake contained rum, it did not taste like it AT ALL! I should have tried the carrot cake, had wanted to but the lady said the tiramisu is better, what crap.

I also got myself 2 chocolate chip cookies for $1.20. its cheaper than Subway but maybe healthier? It is sort of a no-frills cookie. Butter cookie with chocolate chip added in. nothing spectacular either...

Sunday, March 1

Holland V trip

Recess week has come and gone and I did not step out of NUS except in 2 occasions: (1) to hand in my assignment at btc; and (2) to NTU for IVP. BOTH happened on the same day :S Imagine how sucky my week has been.

Anyway, despite having 2 more assignments due I decided to get out of school for a while and went to HV. There are 2 primary reasons for this. A massage at Qi Mantra and to get Brand's Bird's Nest at Promo price at Cold Storage.. lolz.. Cheapo me.

I had wanted to try Marmalade Pantry after hearing so much about it. Michelle also recommended the place to me seeing as its so near. Alas, i was too late, the HV outlet has closed down and in its place is a Restaurant called 'Mykii' to be read as Mee-kai. On the menu, their desserts looked good so i decided to try the place out though I did not try their desserts in the end.

I really have to recommend their Green Tea with Gingko ($6.80). I think they blended/crushed the Gingko or something as there are powdery stuff in the drink. Not to worry, they do provide sifters, though those things aren't as effective as you would want it to be. Forget all that though, the tea had such a pleasant smell! I am not joking, it had this slightly minty very refreshing scent! I din finish the drink in the end as I had to rush but I would not mind going back to the place and just have a drink and a dessert.

As for mains, I got the Panini with Beef Bulgogi ($15.80) which comes with kimchi. I never was a fan of Korean food but bread always appeal to me so I ordered this. It wasn't too bad. the bread was nicely toasted, with a hint of butter, yummm... But i tot the beef itself was just a tad too salty. there was also some sauce which is nice, as it ensures that the bread wont be too dry. The beef, though salty, still have a slight beefy smell which suits me just fine. I don't think I would go back for it though, unless I have carb craving.

And why did i forego dessert? well, as i said, I was in a rush but more importantly, their extremely petite pastries are $2 each. Its not TOO expensive but definitely not cheap and I question their freshness as I saw only one mini tiramisu.. Moreover, as I was going to Cold Storage, i figured its time to try Swissbake's cakes which, to be very succint, was bad.

I tried Opera ($3.90) from Swissbake and I really did not like it. the only nice layer was the chocolate layer which has quite intense taste. This is my first time trying Opera so Im not too sure what to expect but some of the other layers seems stale.. I did finish it though, hahahah.. don't waste ma! I should have followed my instinct and got Coffeebean Carrot Cake instead. That, my dears, is a piece of heaven. I miss it soooo much!

Thursday, February 26

The night before Handing up PL assignment and my first Tkd Poomsae Competition

I just want to record my feelings at this point in time and hope that I do not repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

I have just finished my first draft for the assignment this afternoon and am now in the midst of proof-reading and inserting footnotes. Anyone who writes essays often knows that one does NOT hand up one's first draft. I personally see how some parts of the 3500++ words essay do not gel with the other parts or do not relate to the question. I can think of 10 other different ways to re-structure the essay but frankly, unless I do not sleep tonight, i will not be able to do so. Actually, I do not think even if i go sleepless tonight, things will get better as I will get sick of re-reading almost the same thing over and over again.

I am disappointed with myself for not sticking to my own schedule and try to write my thoughts out earlier. it is only that way can i see how to re-organise my train of thought to make it more read-able for others.

I am not blaming the tkd competition tomorrow as a period of less than 15 hours is never enough to re-write a whole essay. Its my own fault and no one else. Nevertheless, I will try to improve this first draft I have and pray for the best.