Sunday, September 20

A Yearning, Unspoken

I have never had a boyfriend. 21 years and counting on this earth and I had never had a partner. I have had male friends, quite a few of them, and am quite close to some to the extent that I do not mind going out one-to-one and I have had people interested but I had never really taken the plunge. I have always told people, I am happy being single; I have friends who accompany me; what are boyfriends if not guys who you turn to when you are lonely and in need of help or comfort - aren't friends sufficient then?

But recently, I think differently.

I never admitted that I want someone there, someone to hug me when I am cold, a shoulder to lean on and someone I won't feel to call in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Friends are good and all but i guess having one person who knows almost all your secrets and who will not mind you being needy and whine-y is even better. Even with my closest friends I will feel bad if I whine and complain and drag them down with me when I am feeling moody.

I always put up a front in public, I am the slightly naive but confident girl who speaks too loud and is always sure of herself. I am the atrocious but funny friend to all my acquaintances. Even to my closer friends, I complain but will have no problem snapping out of it. What people don't see is that I feel lonely easily, I don't have to wait till the middle of the night to cry and sob. All I need is solitude and a thought of my family and friends who are not with me and that is sufficient to start the tears.

I know relationships aren't easy, that they require a lot of work, which is why I am so hesitant to get involved in one but I am starting to wonder whether it will be worth it. Whether at the end of the day I am not as strong as I think I am. Whether at the end of the day, I am just as needy and weak as everyone else and need someone to prop me up when things get rough. I hate feeling like this, I hate not being who I want to be. I hate thinking all this but no one to tell. No one really understands, not even me, what I feel and what I want.

Maybe all I need is just to be more honest with myself. But I wonder, will things be better then?