Something to remember

I was recently hurt by a friend, or at least someone I thought was a friend. It wasn't anything 'bad', she did not backstab me, lie to me or anything but she made me very disappointed. I think this incident caused a huge irreparable damage on our friendship, on my part at least, I doubt I can speak for her.

This is not the first time I am disappointed by what a friend did. I am starting to wonder whether its because of my expectations of what friends are supposed to be like. I take it personally when people say negative things of people I consider to be friends. I take it personally when they do things I disapprove of, I feel like its my fault one way or the other when they do something 'wrong' whether its being a bitch or going back on their word. I feel like I saw them in a different light then before, a clearer, brighter light and that maybe, they are not who I think they are. And that is painful to me.

I am starting to think that I have to change my views of what friends should be/do and lower my expectations from them. With my growing circle of friends and my wider view of the world, it seems clear to me that people only look out for themselves and a select few, and that it is unlikely that Im within the select few of most of my friends. My view of friendships should be like stems from my expectation of myself in a friendship. You root for each other and trust each other. You dont have to tell each other everything but when you need a shoulder to lean on, friends are who you go to. and I do try to do all this. This is also why i have few 'friends' but a lot of 'people I know', i categorise my acquaintances accordingly. It seems like this is not how it is for other people. Friends are just people you know and hang out with. They are no different from your colleagues at work or people you meet at the pub but seems to get along well with from the start.

Since leaving home for my tertiary education, I not only see more of the world, also see how idealistic I have been. I have been confined to my little pink-tinted glass cage. You see what is happening but there always seem to be a silver lining, there's always a positive side.

I know this is part of growing up but it makes me wonder whether I want to go through this process, cant I see things through my pink glass forever? I know Ill be happier that way...

2nd Update from Home, KK, Sabah

This is my second last week at home. I have to admit, there are some good and bad times but generally, I know I’ll only remember the good ones coz they totally outweigh the bad.

To keep this blog light and to not burden anyone reading this (including the future me), Ill just talk about my happy times here :)

For a start, it has been great seeing my parents again. My mom is still like before, a bit crazy, a bit loud but sooo lovable! Her cooking (esp her cake) is still top-notch and she still gives in to my whims and fancies, this I suspect will continue as I spend so little time at home. She’s still a great shopping partner. Reining me in at times but still let me splurge if I really like an item (Ill list, or at least try to, what I got this trip home later). My dad seems to have gotten more and more stubborn, a sign of the Taurus that he is, but he also knows not to be too strict with me. Making me exercise is one of his lifetime goals which unfortunately isn’t going to happen very often. But he is generally sweet, just that he has abit of a hard time expressing his feelings. Lucky for him Im a very understanding girl and I know him well enough to not be offended.

Then there is my brother, who deserves a special paragraph for himself. I sometimes have trouble deciding what to make of him. He is naughty and rebellious but at the same time extremely sweet. He gets me sweets and lets me have extra food/the last piece on the plate. He also ‘tried’ to get some hugs which did not materialize, our family does not display our affections much so I still have trouble giving him hugs though I love him very much. These are little things but I do believe that the little things that happen soo often really amount to a lot and have to be cherished. We can really ‘click’ we sing songs aloud (sometimes in public) and understand each other’s humour most of the time. He also is very tolerant of my moods (I think Im too used to staying alone that I cant be tolerant to people for very long). Oh, it is also great to have him around as he is plumper then I am (at least fr the looks of it) and he eats way more than I do which decreases my guilt for being such a glutton.

Oh man, I miss them already!

1st Life in KK update

It has been a week since Ive been back. Life’s good, though a bit constricting. That’s the price to pay if you want to come home when you know that your parents are more strict/protective than others. Example? Im not allowed to hitch a ride from my friends. Yes, I will be 21 this year. Imagine how frustrating that is! I know their heart is at the right place but I do think they should step into my shoes for a moment and consider my feelings. Granted I do not argue about this (maybe a bit) but how does one argue against sound reason? Especially that reason is calculated to ensure your safety and happiness?

Anyways, the good news is I can always play the ‘but I haven’t seen him/her in N years!’ card and thanks to it, I get to stay with my friend and her friends for a night at their hotel. The plan: Dinner at Salut (a place known for its seafood) and then drinks at @tmosphere (tacky, I know). Its just for the night, they will be leaving KK early tomorrow morning for Labuan (Island of cheap booze and chocolates!) but I will not be going. That means I’ll have a day at 1 Borneo. I discovered late last night that 1 Borneo has a MAC store! How cool is that!!! Yes, Im definitely going to stop by though I don’t really have anything I want to get. I never imagined Sabah to have a MAC. If I am lucky enough and the Style Warriors collection is out, I might just get the New Age Bronze (or something like tat) lipstick. I do so like the colour though I have to admit, I honestly doubt it is hard to find a dupe for it. We’ll see. I also want to get a loose powder. Not from MAC, probably Chanel or Dior. I saw some raves but forgot which brand it was from, actually I think it is Chanel.

That’s it for now. More updates on my buys (if any).

Love,
LiLs

Tired

I'm not stressed, at least i donot feel like it, i just feel crazily tired. I am barely awake the whole day. even on the bus, I have trouble ensuring that I keep my eyes open. This is very strange. I was not even reading anything. Actually, i find some of my readings quite interesting.

I am worried. Worried as to whether I am down with something. Whether Im coming down with depression. I am not making this up. I hate feeling what I feel. this is the first time Im NOT feeling tired and sleepy, but I think its the effect of caffeine in my Tea. I wish I know what is happening. Why I can't just be lazy and know it. I hate feeling like this. I want to know what is happening. I want to feel responsible to what happens to myself, good or bad.

Oh, Im feeling some pain in my left shoulder blade. About 2 weeks ago, I had some chest pain when I breath. it lasted for about a day. At some times, it was so bad I had to bend over to take a breath.

I need to focus. Live in the moment. Concentrate on what is important: school, study, Public Law, Equity and Trusts. THEY ARE MY LIFE NOW. Until 5th May. Nothing else matters, including pain, sleep, food.

Now I just need to convince myself of it.

The night before Handing up PL assignment and my first Tkd Poomsae Competition

I just want to record my feelings at this point in time and hope that I do not repeat the same mistakes over and over again.

I have just finished my first draft for the assignment this afternoon and am now in the midst of proof-reading and inserting footnotes. Anyone who writes essays often knows that one does NOT hand up one's first draft. I personally see how some parts of the 3500++ words essay do not gel with the other parts or do not relate to the question. I can think of 10 other different ways to re-structure the essay but frankly, unless I do not sleep tonight, i will not be able to do so. Actually, I do not think even if i go sleepless tonight, things will get better as I will get sick of re-reading almost the same thing over and over again.

I am disappointed with myself for not sticking to my own schedule and try to write my thoughts out earlier. it is only that way can i see how to re-organise my train of thought to make it more read-able for others.

I am not blaming the tkd competition tomorrow as a period of less than 15 hours is never enough to re-write a whole essay. Its my own fault and no one else. Nevertheless, I will try to improve this first draft I have and pray for the best.

LILIAN, DO NOT DO THIS FOR EQUITY!

The beginning..

of another exam season.

Not exactly true, I am in the midst of CLT but Im pretty much done with it.

Now have to prep for Prop and Company. Its getting tough. I feel the stress. I feel my heart shrink just thinking about the amount of work i have to get through in the next 2 weeks. But Im trying, believe me, I am.

Btw, I gained back the weight I lost during internship. Oh well, its expected, i guess, Ive been eating like no one else's business but Im determined to ignore that for the moment. My focus now is on Prop and Company. Nothing else. Ill still go for tkd this week to get my weekly dose of exercise, but that's it. I just hope its enof to prevent myself from getting sick, what with the weird weather and weakened immune system.

I'll try to blog more often too. its my outlet. not many people knows of this blog so i can really rant. Unlike my hotmail blog which is just for fun. I dont really like people to know my innermost thoughts and concerns, its like being naked in front of everyone, its too unnerving.

Anyways, Ive also decided to add something random everytime I blog. this time, its a wu liao quiz of sort: what does my height say about me? they dont really have my exact height, about 171

What Your Height Says About You

You are cheerful, expressive, and creative. You have the heart of an artist, and the whole world is your art project. You are the type of person who says “yes” a lot. You are optimistic and giving. You also love a challenge. You enjoy accomplishing the impossible. You are about as tall as the average Japanese man or the average Dutch woman.

What Does Your Height Say About You?