Crush-ed

I never knew what was heartbreak, how painful it would be, to like someone.
I now know the source of all love songs, the inspiration behind the lyrics, the muse of many poems.
But, it hurts. It does. It brings tears to my eyes to know he will never be mine. So near, yet miles apart.

You know who i am but u barely acknowledge my existence. I want to be close to you but i just lack the courage to try. You are the reason i smile for no reason, you are why i go mellow in seconds.

I need to let him go, let these feelings go, to set myself free. im trying, i really am, without avail. I've never felt like this, why do you have such power over me? Why do i lose all self-control when you come near? Why am i blogging about you knowing fully well that we are impossible?

Because, try as i might, you stil hold a place in my heart.

Still Down

Its after my midterms, have no idea how i did but, rilli dun care.(until d results are out at least)

I dunno why but i seem to be perpetually in a slope. Every interaction i have wif another person seems so artificial, so superficial. Its tiring this way, going around without having a fren hu u can talk to, hu u feel like u trust and understand u.... Talking for the sake of filling up d silence, not being hu u wan 2 b.... And, i seem to be putting up a wall around me, not even smiling at Him when we pass by but its ok, Im pretty much over him but i dun like doing this, being all serious looking and sad..... Argh! i need to find me, the say wat i like, dun care a sh*t about anyone but myself me...... haha......

Crush

Yes, Im crushing on sum1... and, i dunno how 2 deal... I feel like a 2ndary school girl all over again... Its sweet but heartbreaking at d same time. Here, it seem like every1 has their 'other half'. people i talk 2 like to, my bf...., my gf.... argh!! Im single! please b considerate, k?

He, is fit, seems nice, likes stupid pc games.... haha... tats all i noe. And, v r not in d same 'gang' meaning, i dun get 2 talk 2 him much but Im not sure i wan tat. In d classes i hav wif him, i look at him half d time.... Dunno if i hav any weird xpression on my face. If i do, id sooner or later get caught! His sorta nonchalant attitude is pretty cute.. i dun like guys hu are too petty but i dun wanna crush on ne1!! Its too distracting, especially if there's a HUGE chance he's oledi taken, its juz not worth d time and energy spent thinking of him. Him...... Hm...... Sum1 Slap ME!!

The Single Me

This may sound weird to those who noes me but i feel so alone. At d xpense of sounding xtremely pathetic Ill disclose my previous dating xperience: NIL. Yes, Im 19 and hav never been in a relationship but frankly, i never feel the need 4 it. I used 2 think how boring it is 2 hav 2 stick 2 1 person all d time, how u wud hav 2 think of d other person when u do sth. but now, i feel different. Is it bcoz Ive grown up? Or is it bcoz Im now in Sg, i don noe, wat i noe is tat i wan 2 hav a relationship..... I wan 2 hav sum1 2 depend on, sum1 hu'l b there wif me, 4 me, a shoulder to lean on. I have been so independent all these years tat sum of my frens cal me da4 jie3(big sis) coz Im very outspoken and hav my own way of do things, which causes quite a lot of grief sumtimes s i tend 2 offend ppl w/o knowing it. Recently, a guy actually described me s 'cynical', Im a realist, ok! haha... its alrite, rilli....

Tired.

Tats how i feel after so many years of self-protection. Fr bullies, criticisms..... I wan sth else now. School is no longer d oni thing in my life, it shudnt b. I feel so weak. I hav bcome such so sensitive. I cry at stupid stuff and bcame more and more emotional. I noe, its stupid 2 think tat a guy wil b d solution 2 all my problems, watever they r but i dun think of them s such. I dunno wat i wan or y Im thinking of all these but...... I do feel very tired and weak, frail even. I dun seem so tho... I go around school alone, d lone ranger. I juz feel sick of needing 2 wait 4 sum1 all d time. Not rilli happy going thru life like this but, tats how it is, 4 now...... even typing tis, thinking of myself s a weakling makes my eyes start 2 water.....

I rilli hope tat i can carry myself thru tis spell and come out victorious....

Signing out,
Lilian.

The Last Lunch

Im dedicating this post to my HELP frens. Thank u for all the help (pun intended) and care this past months. We went through quite a bit: assessments, assignments, tests, teachers..... and made plans. Unfortunately, I cant realise them with you guys. Genting, UK, Batu Pahat.... Hope you guys have fun, best wishes from me ya!

I dont think I had such experience as i had with you guys before. There has been so many firsts... You guys open up my eyes to what frens are supposed to be. I can never finish with my 'Thank you's...... I will forever be indebted 2 you guys... The times v spent together wil always remain with me......

*Hugs and Kisses*

p/s: WenChing- I will try my best.....

Ivy - No matter wat,.... v r frens still...